12/17/24
god forbids we ever end up together but i dont care what he thinks, i want to be able to see u smile before i go
and if god really didnt want us to be together then maybe we shouldnt have crossed paths that day, maybe our eyes shouldnt have met tht day, maybe i shouldnt have waved and mumbled "goodbye" under my breath bc i was too shy, maybe we shouldnt have those random awkward conversations silently chuckling
if the universe really forbid us from being together or maybe this was just a sign that i have to try even harder to get close to you before i have to leave, before i ever got the chance to even tell you that id be gone. if one day i were gone, would you ask around? or would you think i left volunteerily? i hope if that happens, id hope for you to reach out to me. but we both know we're both scared.
12/16/24
i still get hung up on your words, id never understand how can a person like you be so nice even when i act cold towards you but when really im just shy, i wonder how can you still treat me so well and smile while talking to me when all ive done is tease you, my face always feels so warm when im talking to you, i wonder if it shows on my face
you are like an awkward giant!!!! its so funny... you are so awkward but sometimes the things you say could really make a girl's heart race!!!! i wonder if you even notice it yourself... i dont think a person like you would even think about that, i dont like when you stare at me!!!! i cant even make eye contact with you, so shy!!!!
12/23/24
so boring so boring, christmas coming soon n im like christmas is a week away (its in 2 days) all i do on my off days is CHESS and think about him, n soemtimes im like i wonder wat hes doing rn man!!! i dont like this!! its so pissing annoying to have a crush on somebody
i feel like im guna epxlode bcoz i cant tell any of my friends about how much i like this dude so i never brought him up at all but lastn ight i just HAD 2, remind me to never talk 2 me at night coz im jus gonna TALK n never stop n i told m y friend thts in the same branch/workplace as him, ab how hes so funny n he smiles a lot n he talks to me a lot but i was so TIRED n i was so dry but i still tried to b responsive while i was doin sum administrative work i dont even KNO wat i was doing but i was literally braindead but i js hope i dont makei t obvious tht i like him coz im nvr telling my friends ab this but all i think ab is waw he is so busy n so hardworking........ i rmbr when we walked to the subway togethr with other coworkers n i js vented ab how much i hate work!!!!! god so much i i dont think i can fit it inhere
i rmbr when work ended and i was getting ready to leav e n he looked like he was waiting for me to ask if he wanted to come along w me n friends to subway but i ended up leaving coz i was too shy, didnt even say bye..... sorry ! i think the next few diary entries r just gonna b about him TBF i only revived dis website to talk ab my stupid crush sounds so stupid to say crush coz im almost an ADULT, i also still duno how old is he but damn!!! ilike him a lot, he has liek..... sleepy eyes and hes really tall n he has an accent but i cant tell wat kind it is, i think its js the way he talks, i like tht he tries to talk to me even tho im like....... not tht interested,,,,.. hes so busy i dont even know when he will come back again, evry sunday feels like a gamble but regardless on whether he comes or not i nvr risk it!!!! i wake up EXTRA early on sundays to look extra cuter!!!!!! i hope he thinks i look cute idk he always smiles at me he a chill dude, i think thr was a point whr i stared at him for like a solid 4 seconds (too long TBH) n i was like damn!!!! i like this dude, he is kinda cute n he has glasses n im like hehehehhe n n gahhahahaha im jus a little giggly girl ghahghahahah heehhe i rmbr when he told me i did good hahghahah ( i did mediocre) these diary entries r so embarrassing UGHHHHHHHHHHHH I CANT WAIT FOR NEW YEARS!!! i want to invite him to watch the fireworks wit me... so ROMANTIC! im so romantic
ps. im goin out tomorrow wit my friends yay yay yay i guna wear a cute out fit tomorrow... maybe i take a little pic just a little tiny pic of it or maybe not.... i stay mysteruous.... even though this is my diary.... tehres still things i cant tell!!!!!!!!!! OK love u :kiss:
1/6/25
i realised i never had a crush before bc everytime i did it was a short term thing and id date them afterwards, so i think having to experience a crush this long for the first time genuinely hurts after a while
i honestly it stemmed from wanting control, all of the sudden i feel like i cant hold any control over anything n im not even sure y. control is a big thing for me and i dont like having no control over things. there are so many reasons why i rush into relationships and it could be the lack of control over things overwhelmed me so i have to be the one to propose the idea of dating (does tht make sense)
if i told people who my crush i think theyd be surprised because its the last person they would imagine,, for a while people thought i was dating my friend n evrytime theyre asking me "is xx ur bf" etc etc, n idont understand either, i cant c him as anything romantic n if people keep asking this its just DISGUSTING! its like asking if im dating my sibling.... but hes a good guy n hes like my BRO! n sometikmes i get free food !
but anyways im not one to b swayed by words but im starting 2 think that maybe i am just not tht strong, n i dont even know if i want to continue putting up this guard bc i realised hes just a really nice dude n everybodys starting to notice his kindness n as much as i wanna gatekeep i dun think i can gatekeep a person :broken_heart: but i m happy, i tell everybody that hes a nice person but when i talk 2 him its like a completely different story..... i js feel like im guna faint if we continue conversing n i never thought id b the one to stumble over my words
is it weird tht i rmbred crying into somebody i disliked's lap, i vaguely RMBR crying into this guy's lap n he was telling me its ok n he was stroking my hair n i CANT IMAGINE how fucking stupid tht is bc i avoided him for so LONG n i always made it obvious i DISLIKED him like i rly did not like him n his presence always made me so uncomfortable and honestly this is one of thereasons why id NEVER DRINK EVER again i dont even wanna touch alcohol bc i kno i wont STOP so i havent drank ever since. n he was the only one thts constantly carrying me to the toilet bc i was TOO drunk, n thr was one point whr he gave me a piggyback ride n it was the WEIRDEST convo ever n i dont even rmbr if i rmbred it correctly n i just DONT EVEN KNOW WAT TO THINK OF IT now bc i was drunk n he prob thinks i forgave him??
the convo was like
"sorry btw"
n i was like.... "what u mean" i mean I WAS D RUNK bro why are u apologising to somebody whos DRUNK i couldve js forgot ab it ??? or not even care lol ? ? ?
"sorry for the things i did bfeore"
n i dont even knwo WTF i said next but i prob said its OK and btw its not OK bc i was DRUNK i DIDNT GIVE A FUCK ??? ohhh my goddd n i said sm WEIRD SHIT bc the next day my f riend told me ab the shit i said n i dont even kno wat i SAID i vaguely rmbr holding my friend's hand n i rly thought feelings were starting 2 sprout after but na i realised i js cldnt see him more than tht but im NEVER drinking ever again
ps. why does life only get more interesting after bad things happened only to get mundane like im living some fucking movie
1/7/25
i kno this is gonna sound super CRINGE but genuinely have never been so happy in life and for the first time im able to be happy without relying on love, like life is genuinely ok, its ok to be alone sometimes and its ok to be with people. every day im surrounded by people, sometimes i get scolded in work, but at the end of the day we are all just trying to help eachother. i dont know whats going on in peoples lives and they dont know whats going in mine, yet we still talk and laugh, we dont have to have connections with people to enjoy life, people are just meant to stay for a chapter not a whole story and if i never had these people in my life i think id DIE frm boredom even tho im alr BORED, they make life a little less mundane. i like 2 think of my life like a story or a movie whr each chapter isnt going 2 necessarily b hectic or filled with drama n shit!!! like... im living a slice of life type shit (this is funny) idk... i nv knew my life wld ever be interesting bc i was always alone n chronically online until i went to college n i was like NO way im gonna be the same!!! n then now im in my intern arc n shits just WACK!!!!!!!! ahhhhh i love people, i hate people n i love ppl im just happy is it weird im so happy im so happy for the first time im genuinely happy, this is genuine happiness n its one where i dont rely on relationships or love............ who should i be thankful for........... i guess i should b grateful n thank myself once in a while.... is it weird, im happy that i chose to go on this path n im glad i chose to be better n i m glad i chose to improve,,, i m glad i decided to heal instead of trying to go on a path of SUFFERING N PAIN... im glad to experience things i never had before n im happy ab the little things in life im glad ppl want to talk to me about their lives n i realise tht everybodys just going thru something similar ok let us forgive others n let us forgive others!!! people think when i forgive ppl it means that i am justifying their actions but no, i just dont want to harbour hate anymore i mean it makes sense yes ... why do u want to live a life where ur just full of hate... i dont hate anybody, i dont hate my shitty manager, im just living my life OK im living my slice of life, life!
ps. if i ever get inactive in my diaries, it js means im living my best life ! im living the life i want to live, ok, i have ppl that love me.... this is so weird why is it so weird ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh (even though i know nobody reads ts)
1/25/25
im so stupid, i dont think i can look at him ANYMORE im so stupid im so stupid !!! few days ago i told my friend tht i have a crush on coworker and she told me shes genuinely surprised since i never mentioned about him or anything,,,, n fast forward today i was talking to a parent to brief on their kids' performance n suddenly i saw him!! n i wasl ike so surpirsed bc i never seen him in so long and i started stuttering it was SO embarrassing bc i never stutter infront of parents..... n then i was so excited to see him omg omg... n then fast forward again it was lunch n i noticed his feet is the only one thts swinging n its so cute like... hes on a high chair n its just cute its like a puppy........... n then me n friends went 2 throw food n then after we went to da bathroom.... n i started talking ab him n saying HES SO CUTE n i like him n so mad that he cant sit beside me ....... n i was so loud bc i was near the entrance of the womens washroom,, n right beside the womens washroom is a little nursing room n theres a water cooler to refill water bottles.... i came out n ITS SO DUMB coz i was like
"omg he was so cute n he was like-"
n i was like ........ ?????????????????///////////////// why is he here Ooh my god n i made it so SUS bc i sstarted freaking out n i started walking away really fast i was gna cry im so stupid LIKE out of all days i look like shit n god is like yes !!!!! !! !!! ??? n made me EMBARRASS MYSELF im so stupid im so stupid he was surprised to see me too we LIT MADE EYE CONTACT N I EMBARRASSED MYSELF BY SPEEDING AWAY SO FAST WO SAYING HI ...................................... im so stupid bye bye bye bye m gonna cry i cant face him anymore im stupid im so stupi d n its not like he wld like me anywayshe prob thinks im a KID................ im gmnacry im gna cry im gna cry im gna cry this is so embarrassign i fcuked up
thsi is the wrost fucking DAY EVER i really dont think i can face him anymore ,,, i dont think i can even talk to him or even interact wtih him anymore without thinkin ab how i have no idea how long he was outside n listening to me yap about him i dont know why i genuinely have the biggest mouth ever and im so upset at myself and if he really did listen he prob thinks m weird n if he didnt listen then he probs STILL thinks im weird ...
2/1/25
i want to disappear but in a good way, like i just want to live a quiet life .. and disappear and never see anybody i knew in the past ever again just silently slipping away, i just wanna be a concept and disappear ! sometimes i thinking about going back but im like i left for a reason and sometimes there isnt a point to go back in the past anymore, sometimes we just need to keep moving on, things ended and thats ok, things are meant to keep going so i dont need to keep thinking i have to go back, theres no need to ! there are times where i just think i dont deserve to live a nice, quiet and peaceful life, but then i think back and im like i think i do deserve it considering the things ive went thru, ive never been a perfect person to begin with, and people only seem to like me when im toxic, rude or egotistical, but idont really care about all those things anymore, i dont care if people find me less interesting just because im not mean anymore, i chose to turn my life around and be a better person and a less selfish person, i like volunteering to help people in need and if that makes me less entertaining of a person then idont really care and i stopped caring about what people thought about me for the longest time, sometimes i wish i never went through the things i went through because many times i just feel like im not pure like my heart is so disgusting ! and i envy people who had the best upbringing and their hearts get to stay nice and pure meanwhile i feel like ive been tainted and no matter what i do, id never get rid of this feeling that my heart is unpure, and sometimes i get bad thoughts and i think im evil, no matter how many good deeds i do, there will always be times where i feel my heart is not pure enough, but then id tell myself that my past doesnt define me but then id also think what if i just had a better upbringing, what kind of person would i have turned out, dont tell me the things i went through is what makes me the person i am today !! i dont care about that shit, i jus wish i never went thru those things, would i be a nicer person